


i am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling

by GStK



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Demisexuality, F/F, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-15 00:31:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19284406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GStK/pseuds/GStK
Summary: i only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, i escape, one way or another. no more walls.





	i am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling

wow! what a coincidence! they meet on the train like it's a total surprise, but it hasn't been, not for a while now.

they take up two seats that should belong to the maternal and the elderly. they should keep their voices down, but nico projects herself, as she always has, as she always will and forever be.

"that's not a lot of food for two people," she hums, the crinkling of maki's plastic bags her answer.

"it's not for anyone else."

"are you on a diet?"

"don't be stupid," maki grumbles, checking her phone and putting it away. her ten fingers are delicate and untouched, by surgical knives, by microphones, by the embrace of another hand.

so nico fills the space between and puts one hand over hers. maki's brows knit.

"that's not a lot of food for two people," she returns. nico gives her a smile.

"it's all for me."

the rattling of the train ceases and the doors open. maki gets up to leave. nico brings her back down.

"... just this once," maki says. "what are you planning?"

and nico is still smiling. "maybe i just wanted to see you. or i noticed that you really want to see me. there's no getting around it. i'm doing you a favour."

"uh-huh."

"i've got sparkling wine," nico entices, grasping her bag.

"i already knew that."

so maki comes home with her.

* * *

the cups flow but the conversation doesn't. it's stilted. maki doesn't really want to tell her about her medical classes. nico doesn't want to talk about the amount of fans who try to feel her up. one thing leads to another and nico's running her mouth about how she wants to feel maki on her tongue again.

maki makes a face. maki looks like some beautiful and uncorrupt princess, even though the night of her engagement, nico spread her legs and made her cry.

beyond reason, like a tempest that doesn't understand itself, maki says yes. their lips meet over another round of wine and they abandon the food at the table for a pink room and satin sheets.

* * *

at the edge of her fingertips is something like a piano. it's not as graceful but she thinks of flowers. it's probably just maki's perfume -- yeah, that's right. there's no grace in this and there's no performance. maki shifts beneath her and gives a desperate heave of breath.

"w-well? are you going to get on with it or not?" she complains, just like she would back in their glory days.

nico runs a tongue across her and maki arches beautifully, like a string just about to break under the pressure. it's concentrated, it's pure, it's nothing like the art and the show other girls think they have to put on for each other.

"oh? been a while since maki-chan's been eaten out, huh?" nico teases over her own simmering heart.

"i don't even know what that means!" maki protests. and of course she doesn't. nico draws fingers upon her next, pressing against the clit, enjoying the spasm that maki's hips give.

"this is why you never date boys," nico prattles decisively. "they just don't know what girls want!"

the parry to come should be 'have you even dated a boy,' but it's not. it's worse. "i don't know if i want this," maki says, in a shuddering and lonely kind of way.

"what? me touching you? i can promise you i'm better than anything you've had. hmph! after all, i'm the--"

"i don't know if i want this," maki reiterates. she sounds sick. nico feels sick. she withdraws her fingers but maki's heated cheeks remain.

"me, you mean?"

"just this," maki declines, an unsteady shake of her head. she looks at nico dead-on and it's kind of stupid because their eyes are connecting right over maki's pussy, but a meaningful gaze is a meaningful gaze.

nico gives a smile that's all an act. she puts all of her airs back on. " _daisuki dakara, daijoubu_. right? i love you, so it'll be okay. you don't have to worry."

maki sniffs softly, but not proudly. "that's not how it works…"

not even a joke can poke a hole in the tension of this atmosphere. nico takes a heady breath and then and withdraws. maki gets her panties back in place, her skirt, and suddenly she's a medical student again, just a little ruffled and worse for wear.

nico's not even undressed but she's the horniest she's ever been. the only girl she's ever wanted is a breath away from her and she doesn't want to get laid. seriously, what's with that?!

"if you say so. i'm still ready to go, so i'm going to have to take care of that." maki blinks at her unintelligently, and her cheeks colour again when nico begins to drop her own skirt.

"here?!"

"oh, don't be such a prude. you don't have to want it, but you can at least watch me, right? a girlfriend can watch her girlfriend get off. it's not weird."

nico's run the first finger over herself when maki says, "we're not dating." it's a blow. but it's not going to stop her. "nico, this is…" gross? disgusting? maki flinches when she gets a little husky.

"yeah? what is it, maki? maki-chan? maki-sensei?" she's just wanting to moan her name. she goes a little faster. "you don't like me at all, do you?"

"seriously? why do you think i came home with you?"

"because you're lonely!" nico snaps. "and you don't have anyone, and you thought maybe i could make you feel good! but not in the way you wanted."

maki is thin-lipped. she has beautiful lips. imagine those lips on her and that tongue inside of her. it could've been perfect. "i want you. i love you. but i'm not ready for this and i don't know if i'll ever be and maybe i'm broken! maybe i'm wrong and i don't know what i'm supposed to do about that!"

her outburst stays nico's hand. the room gets a little colder and a little warmer. maki is awkwardly looking away from her, but nico can't tell if it's from embarrassment or if it's from her nakedness.

"so… what?" nico replies unintelligently. "what do you want me to do? it's not like i knew anything about this. you didn't say no until we were in bed."

"i want…" maki's mouth tightens. beautiful lips, they are, and nico can't even enjoy them. she slides her clothes back on. "i just want to pretend this never happened and hold you in bed. okay!? geez!"

"we're not going to forget this. it happened," nico says to the sound of maki's face scrunching up, "but i can hold you and you can keep talking."

"i never want to say another word in my life…" mski groans. nico gathers her towards the pillows. she's chilly at first, but she opens up and settles into the embrace. she's soft and they fit together nicely.

"that's too bad. i want to hear more about how you love me."

"i never said that!"

"you literally just did?"

"ugh!"

this is not the night you dream of when you're in love with a girl from high school. but sometimes there's a last minute change in the set or your costume gets ripped and that's life, baby.

"when did you fall in love with me?" nico pries. maki hates it.

"i don't know. one day i wasn't and then i just was." a pause riddled with their hands coming together. "what about you?" she tries to pretend she isn't interested but it's impossible when they're skin on skin. one more step, and nico could have maki sailing over the moon. she doesn't get it.

"i think from the first time you raised a real stink against me and it wasn't just petty girl stuff." maki raises her head in question. it's almost like they're teenagers again and not twenty-five, twenty-three, already too old for the world of sensation. "you would fight me but about the stuff that mattered. i'm okay with being hated. there just has to be a good reason."

maki is silent. she's really, really bad at this conversation thing, and she never did get any better. "you still hate me, right?"

"after you made me say all that embarrassing stuff, you--!"

"i know you do, maki. it's not like you can't hate someone and love them at the same time." how does maki think she's felt all these years? after another warm silence, maki acquiesces.

"i hate you."

"good, because i hate you too," nico says, and she jams her slimy fingers into maki's face.

the screams and the kicking and the outrage is enough to cool the hurt in nico's heart and send her into affectionate laughter.

"what do you hate the most about me?" she asks when maki still isn't done glaring at her.

"i hate how smug you are," comes the first, but it can't be just that. it won't settle just like that. "i hate how you think you're always right. and i hate how you wear your hair in pigtails even though you're about to turn thirty."

"says who?" nico gasps.

"the old police," maki snarls. "they're going to come for you. you're every creepy guy's fantasy." but it's not said in this accusatory kind of way -- but, like, it is? like she IS every creepy guy's fantasy on two legs and that's her own fault but maki is also one of those creepy guys.

"it's one of the things keeping me in the industry. we can't all just appear in commercials for soda or women's universities," nico fires back.

"like they would ever want you!" maki protests.

"at least my gigs make money." but, like, it's never been about that? and they're not really having this conversation, so it dies off when maki tries to fit better against her, play the role of the little spoon despite all their differences in height.

"what do you hate the most about me?" she asks back inevitably.

there's a million and one things she could answer with. she hates maki's frizzy hair and how she won't do anything about it. she hates how they only encounter each other sometimes, even when she leaves herself available. she hates and she hates the sound of the heels that maki won't stop wearing now, like she thinks she's a professional or something.

"do you remember back when we were recording that one song in osaka," nico says, "and i fingered you backstage one day after production and we were pretty sure kotori saw us but she didn't say anything?"

maki is balking and streaming and choking on her own tongue. she almost like like she's about to storm out. but she doesn't. she does, however, graze nico's head as she sits up in a hurry. "what does that have to do with anything?!"

"it's what i hate the most about you. so, come on -- don't be a coward. yeah." maki settles back against her with a huff.

"what about that makes you hate me?"

that maki will never love her as she did then, and she's feeling out of love with her now, and that's why she doesn't want to be touched. "i hate," nico says, licking her lips, "that you won't ever wear a short skirt on our wedding day."

maki doesn't rebuff the idea. she wages her war over nico's impunity. she's not wearing an engagement ring on her finger any more. she's been twisted, and she's going to fall into nico's hands.

you can fall out of teenage one and fall into something more as you get older. they're two different people from how they were. and they're the same, only in the superficial cracks. so love stings and no two people will ever fit together quite right.

so it's auspicious autumn and a cool breeze to let maki love her in her own way.

**Author's Note:**

> Title and summary adapted from works by Anaïs Nin.


End file.
